First semester as a grown up in college

First semester back in school was a huge culture shock. I was no longer the youngest in the class rather the oldest by over ten years. I am no longer living at home with my focus 100% on my studies. I am a grown up with grown up responsibilities. "I had a life, I had a good life". My life now is driving 40 miles, 12hrs a day in class, studying, work, training at the gym and playing Russian roulette with my bills. Never knowing if the internet will stay connected long enough to finish the next project. I was asked yesterday why I "Just didn't wait until I was more stable to go back to school". Really not sure what that means, I can only assume it means when I have a man to support me. Staying in defiantly in a job that is killing me, for that perfect time. Time when the stats align just right. In life I have learned, you cant wait for the perfect time or it never comes. There will always be obsticles. Comments like that assure me I am doing the right thing. taking the path less traveled, leaving my comfort zone. I worked two jobs for 12 years and saved up, but guess what? that money is gone after the first semester. 40K in tuition, books, gas and time missed from work. And yet, I still believe I made the best decision for me and my future. This first semester I learned so much about myself and truly had fun while doing it. No hard feelings towards losing those nights out with friends partying, that life has long been over for me. The time is truly right. First day of school, I was overwhelmed and stuck out from the crowd. A few students even asking me if I was the Professor. Met two girls whom seemed to be in more than one of my classes, liked their energy and befriended them. within the first week we had a study group,and un intentionally making life long friends. Typical of my stubborn attitude, I tried to do everything myself. When it became obvious I needed a little help maintaining, mom volunteered to meal prep for me. Dropping off healthy meals every Sunday for the week. The idea worked out great, I was able to focus more time and energy on studying. Convinced that was the only help I needed I kept trekking along. I was barley scraping by fighting for every point, on every test with just not enough time to study. For weeks four hours of sleep was the norm to get projects done, yet still not catching up. Two weeks before finals my body gave up and I got the flu for the first time. I was incapacitated for over a week, taking about two weeks to fully recover. With no time to make up missed class or tests with finals approaching. I made the decision to throw in the towel and take the grade I deserve and retake whatever I need to next semester. Time missed from work was jeopardizing my job and my only source on income. I truly gave my 100% and as an adult I know that sometimes that's just not enough, but that did not define me. My tombstone will not say failed college as a grown up. One last study sesh with my classmate and now friend to finish up a homework assignment. She tells me " I am NOT going to let you fail". with one week to go before a much needed winter break, I give it one last shot. She helped me study for the classes we had together as well as classes she wasn't even in. At this point I had to take out a no interest loan from work to pay the rent. I decided instead of groceries I would get tutors with the money left after paying the rent. Keeping the cash in bank envelopes labeled in black marker. It was the best money ever spent, cant believe I never though of getting a tutor before. The week of finals approached and I needed high 80's on every test either pass or maintain my grade. It tool almost a week for all the grades to come in and final grades to be reported. I PASSED!! I PASSED EVRTY CLASS INCLUDING ALGEBRA!! I DID IT!! After 10 years and 5 attempts I finally passed college algebra. Paving the way to any higher education of my choosing, a Christmas miracle. But I did NOT do it on my own. Just like on the Camino it took the help of once strangers, now life long friends to get through. My whole life I have always had a hard time asking for help. From now on I plan to give and receive help more freely, especially from family and friends. Before it gets to late. I hope to never again get so far behind that I have to fight for every point until the last second. It Took away from the joy of learning and new friendship. I am so grateful for ALL the help I received, I am truly blessed. I PASSED!!

Grown up in college, 10 plus years later

In 2001, I barley graduated high school, requiring night and weekend school to makeup credits. In 2005, I graduated Nursing school never achieving higher than a C. None of that mattered because, I was a college graduate and able to work my dream job while making a decent living. A higher degree has always seemed unobtainable due to time, money and the dreaded College Algebra class. That I have taken and failed several times. Pure fear of that class and not succeeding kept me from going back to school for years. The older I get, the more fearless I become. Getting more and more burned out as a bedside nurse, I knew a higher education in nursing was not for me. Looking into myself, my passions and calling. I kept coming back to the same concept. Help people stay healthy instead of waiting until they were already sick and giving them a hand full of medications prescribed by the doctor. I want to help people live better lives through exercise, nutrition and spirituality. Mind, body and soul; the foundation of wellness. I want to go back to school for Exercise Science. I want to work my own hrs, be my own boss, and not be torn away from my kids every holiday and hurricane to report to work. First of many changes to better set myself up for having a family and being the wife and parent I want to be. With none of those other things anywhere in sight, I take the first steps, having faith that the rest will follow when the time is right.

What your Crossfit Coach won't tell you

Crossfit is a progressive sport; everyone at every level is training hard to improve. Chances are nobody from your box is going to The Games, they have just been doing it longer. Crossfit doesn’t lie, if there is a weakness Crossfit will find it. If you have poor posture, tight shoulders from work stress, poor diet, beginning stages of arthritis, don’t drink enough water or just a poor attitude. Crossfit will find it and expose it. How you overcome those weaknesses is what defines you as an athlete. So many laymen talk about how unsafe the sport is. From my experience every “injury” has simply been a weakness Crossfit found. I had a decision to blame the sport and quit or take a closer look at myself. On closer examination Crossfit was finding things I knew but chose to ignore as well as brought things to the surface, I could have never imagined. Chronic pain brought me to the gym, as those pains went away more were surfacing. Back problems due to a poor core, posture and weight gain. Weakness in old sports injuries, as well as in my own mind. That age old theory from grade school saying “sport is 90% mental and 10% physical. The only thing harder than training your physical body is training your mind. Most of us never truly succeed in getting out of our own way. One such weakness for me is showing vulnerability. As a single, career women, who travels the world alone. I work hard to not be vulnerable. Such weakness opens you up to being a victim. This brick wall keeps me safe when overseas alone sleeping in hostels, and puts the parents of my tiny premature patients at ease, but it also keeps good people away. My Crossfit box has served as a safe place to be vulnerable. A place where nobody judges me for being afraid to do a handstand or perform heavy Olympic lifts. We are all created equal, we are all a community. All there for the common purpose to be healthier and achieve a better self.

El Camino de Santiago One Year Later

Its been one year since packing all necessities on my back and trekking through northern Spain in search of love, forgiveness, friendship and life's purpose. With the weight of my burdens and the burden of my weight on my back. The Camino provided in ways I could never have imagined, and continues to provide one year later. Upon arriving in Santiago and coming home I did not feel closer to god, today however I am closer to god and organized religion than ever. Finding my way back to my old church on a regular basis, worshiping along side my peers. Though it was not Catholicism, rather a non-denominational mega church I followed my heart back to. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded in some way of my time on the Camino. Some mornings when up particularly early the smell of morning dew reminds me of the early morning hikes. Even figuring out the perfect authentic sangria recipe as well as founding a local bar that has Spanish beer. Everyday in some way, I reflect on the simplicity of life on the Camino. Finding myself over stimulated and exhausted when life gets too busy. The Camino taught me to relax and take time to myself. As well as the importance and courage to say "no" to favors and activities that will overstimulate, stress and take time away from daily reflection. Before the Camino I was spreading myself too thin leaving no time for much else. Never much of a TV watcher, don't think I have watched TV once since returning. Rather choosing to read or journal, just as I did every night on the Camino. As far as having "faith" in love, that is still a daily struggle. Some days are better than others, but I can honestly say deep down in my heart I know I will someday find love, when the timing is right. Upon leaving certain burdens at Cruz de Ferro with my rock and prayer at Santiago, I have never looked back on them. The burden of guilt, and shame was truly lifted off my shoulders. The Camino taught me I am my own person and cant hold the burdens of others indiscretions on my back. The weight is just to heavy, and was never mine to carry to begin with.

Love Always Wins

Like every American I felt especially helpless in the wake of the Orlando shooting. Orlando, a town near and dear to my heart. No stranger to the Orlando night life, many crazy stories started at bars and clubs there. With Pride events all over the country planned in memory of the Stonewall riots. This year, less than a month from the shooting, it was especially important to show support. Important to support love, and give love. No stranger to the local gay bars, friends and I often have “girls night out’ here to escape the judgment, glaring eyes and disrespect that is all too common of the straight guys in straight bars. A place we can simply dance, have fun and not be judged. This night police presence was especially apparent and spirits were at an all time high. The bestie and I dressed in matching “love” tee shirts and rainbow tights. As we stood lined up along a one mile parade barricade with everyone else, we felt no fear, only love. I felt proud to support peace, love and happiness. As the parade went by I collected beads, pride bracelets and more condoms than I could ever use. Though the bestie and I “looked” like a couple it must have been blatantly obvious we were not, by the handfuls of condoms I received. graciously taking them as good luck charms. The next day while shopping at Target, a girl of about ten years old, passing the Pride shirts asked her mother if she could get one. Her mom responded with “yes as long as you know what it means”. As the girl was explaining to her mother what Pride means to her, the mother glances over at my rainbow bracelets and smiles. I had completely forgotten I was still wearing them. I glanced back at her and smiled, feeling no need to correct her assumption. Her daughter also wanted to do her part to spread love over hate and show support. I quickly ran off to another isle in the store as tears filled my eyes. Right then and there I realized we are going to be okay. LOVE will always win.

Couch to Crossfit.. One year of Crossfit.

Its been one year since joining my local Crossfit "box" and the "gains" have been immeasurable. I joined at the beginning of the year for the soul purpose of cross training for the El Camino De Santiago 6 months away and to cross train for my dream of competing and finishing a Half Ironman before my 35th birthday. Almost immediately I experienced unexpected set backs as well as life changing results. For months I was only able to go once per week due to soreness and that one day per week was unable to finish the "WOD" without experiencing severe nausea and fatigue. A few times the nausea became unbearable and had to step away for a "sneaky puke" to finish the WOD. This opened my eyes to how truly unfit my thirty something self was. Slowly I learned what and when to eat before working out and found a pre and post workout that my stomach could handle. The recovery tactics of high school sports and 1/2 marathon training were no longer cutting it. Around this same time work and life stress were at an all time high so the distraction was much needed for sanity. One day a few months in I realized something.... I was no longer experiencing chronic pain in my head, neck and shoulders. That I had learned to live with over the past ten years. The stretching, functional mobility movements and upper body workouts cured my pain. Once again my eyes were opened to the effects my lifestyle was having on my body and overall health. Stress of working over sixty hours per week at two stressful demanding jobs was taking its toll. This guided me in the decision to quit my second job and work less hours at my primary job. During the month off to hike The El Camino in Spain, I had the option to cancel my membership. However deciding to keep it active to ensure I would return to the box and continue the work started. While hiking The Camino I experienced injuries of my legs further stressing the importance of a healthy pain free body. After about the 8 month mark I started having severe lower back pain rendering me unable to finish the WOD on several occasions. Being a nurse, and having an awesome coach. I learned the pain was due to tight muscles, poor core control and strength. Those pesky pounds around the mid section acquired eating my way through Europe weren't helping. For the first time I was faced with the age old dilemma of needing to lose weight to workout but needing to workout to lose weight. I now officially had crossfit homework, Stretch, stretch stretch!!! Stretching and core exercises are working and my back tightness is almost never a problem anymore. Around the nine month mark I am finally able to go twice per week and crush the workouts. I have never slept so good in my life, I am no longer relentlessly craving carbs and my "functional anxiety" is gone. Still no budge in the scale, but am extremely pleased with the results. At the eleven month mark I start looking forward to the WOD's even checking them online the night before. My mindset is no longer cross training but embracing the actual sport of Crossfit. At the twelve month mark I decide to increase my membership to unlimited and register as an athlete in The Crossfit Open three months away. I even postpone a trip to Eastern Europe planned at the same time and use the planned time off from work to focus on competing. My one year stats: Number of pull-ups = zero, number of 20 inch box jumps = zero, Number of handstand pushups = zero...... Pounds lost = zero. Last time I had the cleanest house and best manacured dogs on the block = 12 months.

Camino Reflections. My personal spiritual experience on the Camino.

I did not have one huge spiritual awakening upon arriving to Santiago, but I did achieve everything I set out for am more. Thanks to many physical injuries while on the Camino, I learned that no matter what obstacles I endure I will always be okay and things are not that bad. I will especially be okay in everything I do when following my heart. In life many things do not come easy which makes achieving them that much more rewarding. Life is full of struggles and pain, its how we chose to see it and deal with it that makes all the difference. Everywhere along the Camino are taxi signs and bus routes. At any point you can get your stamp for the day and cab it to the next hostel. The Camino taught me to not always take the easy way out and struggle can be well worth it in the end. A lesion for my love life. Years ago I stopped dating all together telling myself I was waiting for "someone special" or was just to "busy" to date. I know now that I was taking the easy path of no resistance. The path that kept me from getting hurt. Love like the Camino is hard but worth every step. Being on the Camino did not make me feel closer to god, though the feeling of thousands of years of history was unmistakable. Upon arriving in Santiago I was overwhelmed with emotion and cried through the entire Pilgrims Mass. I have never felt so close to organized religion and its beliefs in my life. During the Mass I felt an odd sense of completeness and love. I made a point of visiting St James' Tomb while in Santiago. The reason for thousands of years of pilgrim's and my personal/physical struggles over the past 14 days. When I got to the tomb I was underwhelmed to say the least. Simply a gold bust of the saint. I hiked all the way for this? Is this even him? Is there even any remains here? I asked a few fellow pilgrims their take on the tomb and the overwhelming response was "faith" you "just believe". This concept was foreign to me. As a NICU nurse I see gods existence as black and white proof everyday. The concept of "just believing" brought tears to my eyes. I have to have faith and believe I will find love, have a family and be okay in life. I may have zero proof such things are obtainable but I need to have "faith". I need to believe with all my heart. They say the Camino makes you more simple and teaches you how little you truly need to survive. This lesion I learned long ago in efforts to save money for world travel. I wouldn't say I learned to be more simple but I did learn the priceless value of the simple things like; health, friendship and balance. With all my ailments along the way I learned to appreciate my health, my body and all it is able to do for me. 90% of the time I hiked alone but everyday the value of friendship on the Camino was apparent. I was blessed to meet many awesome pilgrims from all over the world, who truly inspired me to keep going. The simplicity the Camino taught me was that I don't always have to be saving for another great adventure overseas. I can have great adventure here at home. I was hoping time on the Camino would help me to grieve and forgive my brother. At the rock mountain, with a rock in hand from my childhood home. I told the universe I forgive. Though I didn't believe it myself, I at least put it out there to the universe. The burden of guilt would be left there with my rock. At the pilgrims mass every word was in Spanish except a few powerful words spoken clearly in English during the closing prayer. "Forgive those who have lost their way". After hearing this I began to cry uncontrollably. The first time I have allowed myself to cry. At that time I knew it was time to forgive and move on. The burden of guilt and shame was lifted and I was free. I can hold my head high again. In conclusion I learned pain in unavoidable however suffering is optional. I chose not to suffer. I chose to live heaven here on earth. I chose to have "faith".